what breaks us, makes us.

What makes you and I so different?
What makes me so different than other people in my situation?
What makes my life different than other people I know?

I take action.  I make things happen.

The recent week spent in California made me realize, well frankly, a lot of things.
The biggest realization that I had, the white elephant in the room, the thought that was almost slapping me in the face as it lingered in my head for 8 days solid, was the fact that;
1a. I am unhappy where I am, geographically and mentally.
1b.  I can change that.
It didn't set in immediately, the idea of control.  It was something I had thought I had forfeited by moving back.
But that wasn't the case, the idea of control was only lying dormant, waiting for the right time to expose itself.

Control of one's life is what separates the happy from the unhappy.  Yes, this is a very bold statement, and who am I to make such an assumption?  Well, first of all, if you think that, fuck you, this is my blog.  Secondly, just think about it.

I won't give any examples, just imagine what makes you unhappy about yourself.  Is it unreasonable to think that it can be changed?  Absolutely not,

do something.

As evident in my writings, I am not content with where I am.
And you know what?  I'm changing that, in more ways than one.

Track #15 will be called "Attitude".

If you know me, you know that I'm always upbeat and stoked on life.  But what you may not know is that it is impossible for anybody to truly be that excited about everything in life all the time, that is, without meth.  Since I'm not one for meth...I have a thing about my teeth, I've decided that I might as well just act that I'm happy to be where I am.  A special person once told me that you have 80,000 conversations with yourself every day, and 80% of them are negative things.  If you think about it (at least for me) this certainly rings true.  It is even more true when you are putting on a facade.  Working with people just hammers in that statistic even more.  I remember reading about how if you tell yourself you are happy for long enough, you will eventually begin to believe it.  Horse shit.  That doesn't work, it hasn't for the last two years.

The bright side of this post;
I have literally been counting down the days until I leave.  I am like a child on Christmas morning, wanting to sprint into the family room and tear apart every present, whether it has my name on it or not.  But, I have to be mature about this, and wait until someone says 'go ahead'.  That someone this time is Lindsay, because she is my co-pilot.  She's accompanying me on the trip back home, and there are many adventures to be had on the way.  I've been working an insane amount since I got back from my trip, up until I leave, accumulating as much new life money as I can, because, to be frank I don't have much left here for me, I have already started the transformation.  Planning out the silliest things, things that most people would roll their eyes at, but make me giddy.  As sad as it may sound, I can't wait to not talk to any of my "acquaintances" from here ever again.  I just want to have a goodbye dinner just so my last words to them would be "You'll never see me again!", followed by the finger and a door-slam.  Don't worry, if you are actually reading this, that means you will be missed, and you will be kept in touch.


Time to move on to a better place,
no more lies,
no more masks,
time to do some living.