a stranger in your own house

Lately I have been trying to look at the bigger picture regarding life.
When I find myself lost in thought, I try my best to take a step back and ask myself, "What has brought me here?"
Not the literal 'here', more so how did my thoughts lead me to how I am feeling at this very moment.  I've found it really helps to clarify emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
Lately, something's been missing in my life.  I've come to that conclusion on several occasions.  What is missing?  Was it something I ever had in the first place?  Will I be able to find what is missing?
It's not love, it's not a significant other, I've never had either one of those, so I don't feel I can miss what was never had.  Was the thing that I miss a home?  Is it ludicrous that I miss having a home?  Yes, I have bed in a room in a house in California, but I don't think I'll ever be able to call that home.  If you've never been away from your home for any amount of time, you might not know where I'm coming from, but some of you might know exactly what I'm referring to.
I'm 21 years old, I have some college under my belt (no degree yet), and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life.
A lot of kids these days take life for granted.  They don't know how to work for something they want, they just ask their parents.  I wish my parents would buy me a camera worth thousands of dollars because they love me, or buying me a brand new car because they have the means to.  I will say, if they can, then more power to them, but parents, you're killing the chance your children have of being independent.  So many people that I know have never had to work for anything in their life, that when the time comes to step into the real world; get a job, buy a car, survive on your own, they won't have a clue what they should do.  They're going to be a nervous dog with its tail between its legs.  Not to discredit Orange County, I like this place, but wow are the people here some of the worst people I've ever come across.  This side of the nation is completely different than the Midwest.
Right now, my life consists of working at Best Buy,

I just sat and paused after typing that...I didn't know what else to say.  That says something.
So what's my next move?  Will the hero save the damsel in distress?  Will Uncle Filthy find a way to unlock the basement door?  Stay tuned next week for the shocking conclusion!

lowercases and capitals

work

friends

The past week has been a little different than most other weeks.  I've started to look at the "bigger picture"; life as a whole instead of just the sum of all its parts.  I need to work on focusing what's important in life and take that as far as I can.

I got promoted to a position of power, which is a first for me.  I won't go into the boring details, but now I have significantly more responsibilities, am in charge of an entire section of employees, and in turn, am also to blame if the performance of the department is not up to standards with my company.  I didn't receive any type of pay raise for this position, although technically I am "Full Time" now, so I would qualify for benefits,

Stock options, health insurance, and 401k.  Stock in an electronics company that will probably be out of business in the near future?  Or health insurance when I can stay on my father's for another...almost decade.  Yup, neither really appeal to me whatsoever.  Maybe that's a naive decision on my part, but I can't see much of a reward, especially in the long run for either one of those choices.

Something that I've noticed about this new position...I don't have any passion for my job anymore.  I do believe it is because of everything that is different from my old part-time position to now.  Before, I didn't take my work all that seriously, but I didn't need to because I was just another part-time sales associate.  I was good at what I did, I knew my shit [unlike most all my coworkers].  Now, I'm forced to take charge, coach sales associates, drive sales, care about numbers, and be cutthroat.  None of which are me, I'd rather hang out and talk to people about electronics and if they wanted to buy anything, great.  If not, so be it.  


This may be a temporary train of though, so I'm not making any rash decisions at the moment, I'm just playing it by ear, however one thought keeps coming to mind.


If you're not happy with something, change it.


That's why I moved to California in the first place, taking steps to becoming a happy person.  That's what I think I want to focus on these days, being happy.  I could step down from my lead position, or I could ride it out for a while longer.  It'll take time for me to make a decision, but I feel the catalyst in any decision I make will be with the intent of enjoying life more.  I'll take 5 less hours a week with the same pay and MUCH less responsibilities.


I'm yawning and my fingers are getting heavy.


I had planned on having an entire second stanza to this post, but tonight, that's not going to happen.  Maybe tomorrow, we'll see.


Better tomorrows.

Stay Young

I don't have much to say tonight,
I know its been a while since I have posted an update on this blog, here's what you have missed;
I live in California,
I got promoted after less than a month working at my new store,
I am having an art show at McClains CoffeeHouse all of April,
Life is amazing,
Now enjoy this shot of Villhelm!

Hey Guys

Testing this whole thing out.
Testing this whole thing out.
Testing this whole thing out.
Testing this whole thing out.
Testing this whole thing out.

think about this

Setbacks

I've had to deal with so much stuff in the past few years, it's hard to remember back when life was just easy.  I know other people also have problems, which is why I always tell myself that mine aren't that bad, but shit, they bug the hell out of me.
Sometimes I'm able to just forget about whatever's going on, put it in the back of my mind for a while, and focus on what's going on at the current moment.  But other times, whatever's going on in my head takes priority, I can't focus, I can't get it out of my head.  It's mentally debilitating, it can ruin my entire day.  And the part that makes it worse, is I've grown so used to telling myself that my problems aren't that bad and nobody wants to hear about them.  Because of that, I almost never let anybody in, nobody will know exactly what's going on in my head because I have emotional barriers.
I try to be a genuine guy, I try to not hide things from my friends and family.  Of course there are things I won't bring up unless asked, like my brother, but I'll still talk about it, I won't lie about that, it's part of who I am, and if there's one thing I want my friends to learn about me, is who I am and what made me this way.
A quote that sticks in my head is "Trust everybody, just don't trust the devil inside them." [The Italian Job]  That quote strikes an eerie note with me, because I feel it is a very good way to live a life, but I don't know what the devil inside myself is like.  If someone were to tell me, if someone could tell me, that would be eye-opening.  It's like somebody critiquing my photos, it might be hard to hear it, but it's another's opinion about what you're doing right and wrong, you just need swallow your pride and take the advice.
I think I should stop watching so many movies and do something more productive with myself.  I have no idea what, but I think it would be a good idea to pick something up, something that will make me a better person.  Reading?  Studying something?  I might need to just sit in a dark, quiet room and think about it.  Hollywood is a little too fake for me right now, life never plays out like it does in the movies.  Your neighbor isn't a serial killer, your mother's friend doesn't want to bang you, your friends aren't going to throw you a surprise birthday party, and you can't make a fraternity consisting of non-students.
But now that I think about it, even reading novels, it's the same thing as all these Hollywood movies, just with less explosions.  Depending on the book, it's just as far-fetched as any movie.  So what is left?

Living.

This is my brother

body modifications and the self perception of beauty

This entire post is about me, get over it.

Have you ever found yourself thinking about an individual of the opposite sex, thinking about a small detail about them, and you find it irresistibly attractive?  Did you then take a step back and feel that what you like isn't "normal" for someone to like about someone else.  Who cares.  You find something about someone beautiful, it doesn't matter if anybody else does or not.  For example, when I was sitting in on a lecture with Lauren at Cal State Fullerton, the girl two seats to my right had to most attractive feet I have ever seen.  Now, don't get me wrong, I had never looked at a pair of feet and said "damn, 'dem some good feet", but the culmination of her Sperry's, no socks, and how it all worked in conjunction with the other parts, I found it amazingly attractive.  Still to this day, I have never experienced the same feeling about feet.  I feel like a weirdo for saying that, but if you're judging me, you're an asshole.

What I'm getting at with that anecdote is how everybody has many different definitions of beauty.  Whether it is self-beauty, or the beauty within someone else, no two people have the exact same idea of what beautiful is.  

Now is where we bring up the hot topic of the decade, body modifications.  

Why do people do it?
Why do people ride bikes?

Why do people protest things?

Why do people dumpster dive?

Because it makes them feel beautiful, because it gets that endocrine system going and produces endorphins, because they feel passionate enough about something to risk something else for it, and why are you worrying so much about other people?

If you don't personally know me (which you do, because you're reading this), then you may or may not know that I am one of the many people with stretched ears.  It is the single (x2) modification that I have done to my body that my mother does not like, but as much as it hurts me to say it, I like it, and I trump her.  (Sorry mom!)  The question about a career always seems to come up when I get talking about them with someone, as well as the "When you're 50..."

As far as a career goes, to be completely honest, and I may not feel the same way in a few decades, but if there is somebody who is not going to hire me for a job in a field that I am extremely passionate (and talented) in because of how my ears are stretched...then frankly, I don't want to work for that person.  That just says they want everybody to fit in to the societal norm, not to be an individual, but part of the pack.  Working at Best Buy, one of the first things I asked when they called and offered me a job was their policy on stretched ears.  I was told "no larger than a dime".  Okay, I googled the diameter of a dime, converted that into inches, and found out I was right on the cusp, barely smaller than a dime.  That was when I was at 5/8".  The store's general manager and I have a pretty decent relationship, he's gotten to know me on a relatively personal level, his daughter listens to similar music, and he tries his best to make her happy, so naturally we have good talks about shows he had went to with her, and he understands what kind of person I am.  He realizes that not all people in bands are scum, not everyone with stretched ears are criminals, but to give everybody a chance no matter how they look.  SOP states that dress code and policies are under the discretion of the individual store's GM, meaning he can let things 'slide' if he thinks it would be appropriate.  I have never gotten even as much as a "hey, are you ears larger than a dime?" the entire year I've been at this store.  I think a big reason is that I pull more than my own weight at my store, and if I can do that without ever having anybody complain about my 'freak ears', then where's the issue?  Now I'm at 15/16", which is about the size of a quarter.  Still, nothing.  It happens all the time, I'll have friends who have no idea I have tattoos, and then when they see me in shorts, they have to have a double take, maybe triple.  I guess I don't seem like someone who would be covered in tattoos?  Stereotypical, but I'll admit, sure, I guess not.  It's always exciting seeing people's faces light up with confusion at that moment.