I've never been one to show any emotions or feelings outwardly since I can remember.
Yes, at times I might get frustrated, or excited, but those aren't the feelings I'm referring to.
The feelings I'm talking about are the type of feelings that tell you a lot about a person.
Rage, Resentment, Adoration, Lust, Compassion, I think you get the idea.
I was driving today, trying to pinpoint a reason why that's the case for me, and have yet to come to a conclusion.
Ever since I've been talking to girls, middle school or so, I've never been the ladies man. It may be because I am terrified of women. In that sense, I'm still stuck in middle school. I've never been one to go up to random women and strike up conversations. It just has never been...my thing?
To my credit, I have been told that I am extremely good at talking to girls, and people in general, but when the idea of picking up women, hitting on them, with the sole purpose of getting a number, a booty call, etc. it just doesn't click with me. I won't go too deep into that, because I can only make assumptions about myself, and that may or may not be accurate at all.
While in California on my last trip, I was at Chipotle with an amazing friend of mine, Sean Kelly. We went there before a concert, and of course, maxed out on huge burritos. In fact, it was his first time ever being there.
After we were done eating, we go inside to refill our waters before leaving, and at the fountain was an employee getting a drink to go with her (assuming) dinner that she got before she was leaving work. I started up a conversation with her about the perks of working there, and whether or not she got sick of eating burritos (she didn't), maybe two or three minutes of a chat, and then I said "Have a good night." and left.
Looking back on that, that situation says a lot about my actions compared to most others. If I were to tell someone that I just had a conversation with a girl who worked at Chipotle, and she seemed really nice, their next canned response would be something along the lines of "Did you get her number?" or "Was she hot?" But in reality, I could care less. I didn't want any takeaways to prove I had a good chat, I didn't need that. The satisfaction of being a good single-serving friend was all I really wanted.
Emotions are something of a weak category of my personality. I have trouble expressing them, I have trouble identifying them, and I have trouble letting others in.
The only thing that could change / improve this is time. The more I go on, trying to let my real self out, the closer I get to unlocking myself. Lately, I've been experiencing some newer feelings, good feelings. I'm not exactly sure what to do with them, and that fact alone makes me feel naïve and less confident about myself, but it doesn't discourage me. I just need to feel it out, look into myself a little bit more, and put myself out there for these feelings to take shape. I'm starting to hold things closer to me, things are becoming more special as days go by, life will be getting full of amazing feelings, experiences, people. I don't want to be misunderstood, but I don't want to be overlooked. I'm sure it is the start of many good things to come, and I am excited to learn more about myself through these new experience.
All I've got to do is jump.
Unrelated photo.
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